I know it's been a long time since I have posted. As you can see I am not a hardcore blogger, this is really just a place I use as my own personal diary to express my feelings about something deeply private to me that I find challenging to share with anyone around me. Mostly because no one can understand it.
Because of that it can be very lonely to have these feelings. Lately, I have been dealing with it alright though. There are hard days and easier ones, but at the end I still have a million questions that will go unanswered, maybe not forever, but for now...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Envelope
So it came. Yes, *it* came. The package I wait for all year. I'm always terrified and excited to open it all at the same time. Unsure of what emotions it will bring me, what tone the letter encases, what emotions the photos will evoke seeing my own face in this little stranger, this little stranger that is a part of me so deep.
It was good this time, it actually made me feel better since my last post. It's good knowing she is happy, she had a whole family to rely on and come home to day after day.
I suppose that's the roller coaster of adoption, some days it is so hard you can barely take it, then there is a small light at the end of the tunnel when you get a glimpse into her world, an incredibly small glimpse. But a glimpse nonetheless.
My mom asked me to write my adoption story for some contest a radio station is holding to promote adoption. I was slightly irritated with her. I may have been through it, and still be going through it, but I can't help some other girl decide what choice to make. We are all different. Some days I wonder if it was the right choice or not. I know I was completely alone, barely scraping by financially and the man who fathered my child was nowhere short of insane. But still, I wonder. I hope to God she never feels like I abandoned her, like I didn't want her, as if I just wanted to get rid of her and go about my life. I have so many fears abut the things she may think or feel about me.
Adoption isn't something that you choose to do one day after your baby is born and then that's it....every year it only gets harder, the pain only worse. No agency is going to tell you that though, they just want to make their 40k. Yes that's right, they make a ridiculous amount of money off of your baby. I don't think it's right, it makes me sick to think someone basically sold my baby. And more sick that I chose to sign it away. What other options did I have? To raise her with a crazy person in and out of her life, child custody battles and complete chaos, food stamps and charity. I don't know, it' so hard to weigh your options in that position.
I am blessed I was able to chose her family, and they are an amazing one at that, it makes the blow a little softer I suppose.
You go about your life thinking everything is so simple, and then you grow up and everything just ends up being so complicated, all of our decisions and consequences just leave us with all of this random baggage piling up around us. Why does it have to be so hard? One second I am swept up in love with some stranger promising me the world, the next minute I am faced with the hardest choice of my life. It isn't fair a man has the option to simply walk away.
To anyone who was adopted, you are loved!! I believe moreso than children not adopted. Even if you don't know your birth parents, there is love in their hearts for you. More than you could ever imagine. And on top of that you get a whole other set of parents to love you as well, feel blessed, please don't feel rejected or tossed aside. You are special, and your purpose is great.
It was good this time, it actually made me feel better since my last post. It's good knowing she is happy, she had a whole family to rely on and come home to day after day.
I suppose that's the roller coaster of adoption, some days it is so hard you can barely take it, then there is a small light at the end of the tunnel when you get a glimpse into her world, an incredibly small glimpse. But a glimpse nonetheless.
My mom asked me to write my adoption story for some contest a radio station is holding to promote adoption. I was slightly irritated with her. I may have been through it, and still be going through it, but I can't help some other girl decide what choice to make. We are all different. Some days I wonder if it was the right choice or not. I know I was completely alone, barely scraping by financially and the man who fathered my child was nowhere short of insane. But still, I wonder. I hope to God she never feels like I abandoned her, like I didn't want her, as if I just wanted to get rid of her and go about my life. I have so many fears abut the things she may think or feel about me.
Adoption isn't something that you choose to do one day after your baby is born and then that's it....every year it only gets harder, the pain only worse. No agency is going to tell you that though, they just want to make their 40k. Yes that's right, they make a ridiculous amount of money off of your baby. I don't think it's right, it makes me sick to think someone basically sold my baby. And more sick that I chose to sign it away. What other options did I have? To raise her with a crazy person in and out of her life, child custody battles and complete chaos, food stamps and charity. I don't know, it' so hard to weigh your options in that position.
I am blessed I was able to chose her family, and they are an amazing one at that, it makes the blow a little softer I suppose.
You go about your life thinking everything is so simple, and then you grow up and everything just ends up being so complicated, all of our decisions and consequences just leave us with all of this random baggage piling up around us. Why does it have to be so hard? One second I am swept up in love with some stranger promising me the world, the next minute I am faced with the hardest choice of my life. It isn't fair a man has the option to simply walk away.
To anyone who was adopted, you are loved!! I believe moreso than children not adopted. Even if you don't know your birth parents, there is love in their hearts for you. More than you could ever imagine. And on top of that you get a whole other set of parents to love you as well, feel blessed, please don't feel rejected or tossed aside. You are special, and your purpose is great.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A hard day
Well, quite a few hard days. I know it isn't August anymore, but that month is always the worst for me. My baby girl was born that month and that day rests on my shoulders much heavier around this time of year.
The hardest thing is that no one understands it, at all. "You made the right choice" they, say, "What a great gift" they say..... but no one seems to know that inside, I don't care how right or great it was....I still miss her.
More than missing someone is possible. I suppose this must be at least something similar to what it feels like to lose a child in death, but constantly see ghost like images of them growing up and thriving in someone else's arms, so far from your reach. And all you crave is just to wrap your arms around the child and show them all the bottled up love you have had saved for them from the moment they were born. Maybe, death is the wrong comparison, I don't know quite what to compare it to. It is misery. It is a roller coaster of joy and grief when those photos come once a year.
I await them impatiently, I expect to be disappointed with the attached unemotional letter of her milestones this year as well. Do they send it because they want to or out of duty? I don't know, but it is certainly torture.
Such a change from the teary eyed couple I had met at the hospital, so loving and happy to meet me, well my baby, I suppose I was just an obstacle. Or at least in the aftermath that is how I feel now.
My biggest question, and my most difficult to resolve is, how do you show someone you love them from so far away, without ever hearing their voice, with only having letters and presents to represent this unconditional unending maternal love that only wants to meet that child and allow it to soar. The same love that had me make this decision in the first place. In my confused hormonal state of 8 months pregnant and no idea of what else to do or who else to turn to....the adoption agency made promises of support groups and visits....once they got the papers signed out the window they flew.
I would like any women in the same boat as first moms, birth moms, whatever you prefer to be called to be a part of this blog also and share your feelings, say all the things you wish you could say without having fear of the small contact you have with your child being cut off, the rug being pulled out from under you just for saying what you feel inside. It has been years, I am tired of being quiet.
Today I am sad, it is not just a cry and it's over sadness, it's the kind of sadness that goes down to your bones, the feeling creeps inside and tingles a little in all of your insides. The ball in your throat gets bigger, I don't know how to describe this sort of pain, but it is much different, much more intense than any tragedy I have ever experienced.
"It will get better with time, time heals all wounds" they say..... all wounds except adoption....the wound of adoption is like leprosy, it only spreads and gets worse the older and longer it settles.
The hardest thing is that no one understands it, at all. "You made the right choice" they, say, "What a great gift" they say..... but no one seems to know that inside, I don't care how right or great it was....I still miss her.
More than missing someone is possible. I suppose this must be at least something similar to what it feels like to lose a child in death, but constantly see ghost like images of them growing up and thriving in someone else's arms, so far from your reach. And all you crave is just to wrap your arms around the child and show them all the bottled up love you have had saved for them from the moment they were born. Maybe, death is the wrong comparison, I don't know quite what to compare it to. It is misery. It is a roller coaster of joy and grief when those photos come once a year.
I await them impatiently, I expect to be disappointed with the attached unemotional letter of her milestones this year as well. Do they send it because they want to or out of duty? I don't know, but it is certainly torture.
Such a change from the teary eyed couple I had met at the hospital, so loving and happy to meet me, well my baby, I suppose I was just an obstacle. Or at least in the aftermath that is how I feel now.
My biggest question, and my most difficult to resolve is, how do you show someone you love them from so far away, without ever hearing their voice, with only having letters and presents to represent this unconditional unending maternal love that only wants to meet that child and allow it to soar. The same love that had me make this decision in the first place. In my confused hormonal state of 8 months pregnant and no idea of what else to do or who else to turn to....the adoption agency made promises of support groups and visits....once they got the papers signed out the window they flew.
I would like any women in the same boat as first moms, birth moms, whatever you prefer to be called to be a part of this blog also and share your feelings, say all the things you wish you could say without having fear of the small contact you have with your child being cut off, the rug being pulled out from under you just for saying what you feel inside. It has been years, I am tired of being quiet.
Today I am sad, it is not just a cry and it's over sadness, it's the kind of sadness that goes down to your bones, the feeling creeps inside and tingles a little in all of your insides. The ball in your throat gets bigger, I don't know how to describe this sort of pain, but it is much different, much more intense than any tragedy I have ever experienced.
"It will get better with time, time heals all wounds" they say..... all wounds except adoption....the wound of adoption is like leprosy, it only spreads and gets worse the older and longer it settles.
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