The Envelope

So it came. Yes, *it* came. The package I wait for all year. I'm always terrified and excited to open it all at the same time. Unsure of what emotions it will bring me, what tone the letter encases, what emotions the photos will evoke seeing my own face in this little stranger, this little stranger that is a part of me so deep.

It was good this time, it actually made me feel better since my last post. It's good knowing she is happy, she had a whole family to rely on and come home to day after day.

I suppose that's the roller coaster of adoption, some days it is so hard you can barely take it, then there is a small light at the end of the tunnel when you get a glimpse into her world, an incredibly small glimpse. But a glimpse nonetheless.


My mom asked me to write my adoption story for some contest a radio station is holding to promote adoption. I was slightly irritated with her. I may have been through it, and still be going through it, but I can't help some other girl decide what choice to make. We are all different. Some days I wonder if it was the right choice or not. I know I was completely alone, barely scraping by financially and the man who fathered my child was nowhere short of insane. But still, I wonder. I hope to God she never feels like I abandoned her, like I didn't want her, as if I just wanted to get rid of her and go about my life. I have so many fears abut the things she may think or feel about me.

Adoption isn't something that you choose to do one day after your baby is born and then that's it....every year it only gets harder, the pain only worse. No agency is going to tell you that though, they just want to make their 40k. Yes that's right, they make a ridiculous amount of money off of your baby. I don't think it's right, it makes me sick to think someone basically sold my baby. And more sick that I chose to sign it away. What other options did I have? To raise her with a crazy person in and out of her life, child custody battles and complete chaos, food stamps and charity. I don't know, it' so hard to weigh your options in that position.


I am blessed I was able to chose her family, and they are an amazing one at that, it makes the blow a little softer I suppose.

You go about your life thinking everything is so simple, and then you grow up and everything just ends up being so complicated, all of our decisions and consequences just leave us with all of this random baggage piling up around us. Why does it have to be so hard? One second I am swept up in love with some stranger promising me the world, the next minute I am faced with the hardest choice of my life. It isn't fair a man has the option to simply walk away.


To anyone who was adopted, you are loved!! I believe moreso than children not adopted. Even if you don't know your birth parents, there is love in their hearts for you. More than you could ever imagine. And on top of that you get a whole other set of parents to love you as well, feel blessed, please don't feel rejected or tossed aside. You are special, and your purpose is great.